As the rain pours down around me, I am forced into moments of reflection that have been otherwise hard to come by here in Kurdistan. My existence has consisted largely of lesson plans, marking and worrying about classroom discipline and deadlines.
I find myself longing for the dusty, rolling hill of Nablus. Of the moments of quiet sitting in my windowsill, the glowing morning light keeping me company as the caffeine pricks me awake each morning. My existence here has left a barren hole where my creativity once flowed.
Since arriving two months ago, I have been met with a blurred mass of newness and fresh slates, their wiping clean wiping me out entirely. I have felt distant from myself, and while my words usually flow onto paper with ease, these days I struggle to write each letter.
In the quietness of this rainy night, I am processing the emotions and heartache of leaving one life behind in pursuit of another. So often, our mind automatically categorizes events and experiences without our conscious mind having input. I am coming to accept that while Palestine took my breath away, the air that flowed back into my lungs left me changed forever.
On a path of discovery that was too great to comprehend along the way, I realize now the beautiful imperfection in the months that went by where I found self-acceptance, sowed seeds and voiced dreams. I wonder now, how I will be able to settle here with an open heart when I have given it to another so completely.
I guess ultimately, that is why I have fallen quiet, because my thoughts and words have been projected inward instead of outward. I have been grieving and mourning, with quiet devotion, a place I can no longer call home. Like a scorned lover, my ears perk at every mention of its name; my heart pounds with every word of its well being.
Surveying my room now, I notice the backpack that has been emptied and tucked under my bed, its contents folded neatly on the shelves. In this fragmented and transitory existence I have chosen, in this commitment to create a new home each August, I realize the difficulty of maintaining my wholeness.
Each new person I encounter is shown the pieces I have chosen to keep at the surface throughout the years. They know nothing of the farewells, gratitude, heart-break, fears and dreams that I have unknowingly collected over the years - the ones that make me who I am. For the first time, I am realizing that if I want to succeed in creating a new home here, I have to unpack more than the contents of my backpack. I have to open myself up, shake out the crumbs, and hopefully at the end of it all, repack a little lighter.
Saturday, 18 October 2014
Monday, 18 August 2014
Shutting the windows of the office, Mustafa turns to me and mutters, “On a Friday they drill in the street. They should not be allowed! It is Friday, we must pray and rest. We need quiet.” Sitting to join us, Mustafa leans back in his chair and begins to speak, “I was a journalist student at Al Najah university between 2001 and 2006.” Punctuating his sentences with cautious sips of hot tea, he continues, “I was a student during the worst time - during the intifada and the invasion.”
Eyes fixated intensely on my own, he explains that in five years of studies, the journalism department lost thirteen pupils to violence. “It was crazy,” he says, his voice suddenly losing its intensity as he recounts how violence permeated into every aspect of college life.
Although Mustafa studied all journalistic mediums at Al Najah, he quickly determined himself a film-maker. Between 2003 and 2006 alone, Mustafa created five films and through various festivals held at Al Najah, was awarded ‘Best Film’ twice for his various films.
Regaining his characteristically confident tone, he turns his gaze towards his tea cup, “After the Intifada, I realized my duty as a film-maker. It’s not a job - it is a duty.” Explaining his frustrations with simply reporting stories, Mustafa explains the empowerment that film-making brings, “When you create the film, you feel something different. You are not following the news anymore, you are creating the news. Films are strong and very honest. In the end, I chose film because of the truth.”
|Mustafa Azizi fillming for a project in Al-Khalil |
(Hebron); May, 2014
Expanding, he continues, “As a person who lives in the Old City [of Nablus], I have seen the ugly face of the occupation. Never can anyone imagine what I have seen.”
As he speaks, my mind wanders to the call to prayer bouncing from the buildings outside our closed office windows. I notice men shuffling quietly in the direction of the Mosque. These men are the antithesis of what I have been told to expect: the angry, violent Islam that infects Western media coverage of this piece of the world. Their unassuming and tranquil commitment to prayer washes a calm feeling over my body as my skin prickles into goosebumps.
Jolted back to the conversation, I hear Mustafa say, “Resisting is a lifestyle for us. And I support all kinds of resistance: non-violent; the boycott, sanctions and divestment movement, and even violent resistance.” Looking up from under my brow, perhaps a little too critically, he explains, “Look, my brother, he chose one path of resistance and I chose another. I tell truth with my film so everyday with my camera, I am resisting the occupation, I am resisting Israeli control over my life. Everybody has their way to resist, and I support anyone in this.”
With that, I wonder to myself about the word, ‘resistance’. Surely, in the Western world, this word leaves a bad taste in our mouths, as we are bombarded with images of suicide bombers and angry, aggressive men wrapped in kufiya [classic Arabic scarves]. But, as the word spirals out of Mustafa’s mouth, I see how in this life - a life he doesn’t even own the rights to - resistance is synonymous with hope.
“You see,” Mustafa continues, “journalism for everyone is a romantic idea. But, in Palestine, it is different. You have no independence to write your story. You need to be following someone always. But me, I am sorry, I don’t follow anyone else.”
Wanting to steer the conversation in the direction of his work, I ask, “What does this mean for your films, that you don’t follow anyone else?”
The corners of his mouth curl upwards as he pauses for a second for a sip of tea. “What it means? It means I say occupation when others don’t. I say what is happening, whether they like it in the West or not. And I love this!” His small smile turns into a large grin, accompanied by a chuckle, “I love this…I love to speak this way, very loudly!”
Asking him about the dangers of speaking loudly and openly against the occupation, Mustafa shakes his head at me, “The dangers of speaking loudly against the occupation are smaller than the dangers of not - the danger is that the occupation may continue. And ideas are more powerful than anything to fight it with.”
Recalling political artist Naji Al-Ali’s cartoon of Handala, a symbol representing the complexity of the plight of Palestinian refugees in my mind, I mention the small cartoon to Mustafa.
|Naji Al-Ali's Handala|
On July 22, 1987, Naji Al-Ali was shot in London as he walked to work. He died in hospital a month later. A tragic end that is all too common for those who, like Mustafa, choose to speak loudly about the devastating effects of the occupation. Acknowledging Al-Ali’s death, Mustafa says, “But, Handala still exists today. He lives now and will live long after his Naji is gone. This is the power of ideas.”
As the afternoon sun beams heavy onto my face, I ask Mustafa what is next for him. He tells me about Karakeeb, the multi-media company he has started in Nablus. He says the goal of this company is to provide a place for local artists, musicians, writers and anyone with ideas to come together and create something.
Remembering his own start as a filmmaker, he says, “I remember thinking, who will give me a chance?” Trying now to use Karakeeb as a vehicle for people who started like him, he promises that his company will not follow the normalization of mainstream media and will strive to change the idea of media in Nablus. He says, “It is simple. Karakeeb is to live. It’s all to live free - and we will do anything to achieve this.”
Our mouths soaked with tea and hope, we stand to say goodbye. Shaking my hand, Mustafa leaves me with words that continue to echo in my mind, even now, months later. He says, “No matter what, I am never leaving Nablus - never. I will be here forever and I will fight to win our freedom with my ideas always."
|Mustafa Azizi searching for the perfect shot by the separation wall in Bethlehem; May, 2014|
To learn more about Mustafa and follow his projects, follow him on Facebook:
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First photo taken by Odai Qaddomi of Odai Qaddomi Photography. To see more of his pictures, follow him on Facebook:
Friday, 9 May 2014
Days melt into weeks; weeks sink into months. With only three weeks remaining until my contract in Palestine is finished, my mind forces reflection into the quiet moments of my day. Words and feelings flash before me, taunting their own intangibility as they linger just out of reach: peace treaties, destruction, terrorist, student, goats, rocks, provocation, humiliation, complicity, abandonment. Finger-painting their marks on the walls of my mind, these words, I suspect, seek to vaccinate me from future nostalgia.
Around me are my clothes, rolled up and ready to be packed away, unopened until my feet are standing on Canadian ground. I’ve packed too early, finding myself digging through my bags each morning to find pieces of clothing I need for that day - the raincoat I haven’t needed in months, the scarf I thought I could do without for the last couple weeks.
Leaving is not an unfamiliar experience. Memories of packing quickly on the cold tiled floor of my room in Pakistan, the muezzin punctuating my fear and panic with beauty, hang heavy in my room now like a thick fog, distorting my thinking. Opening the over-sized windows in my room, the orange morning light floods in, as if to cleanse the room of it’s anxiety. I wonder what it is that has motivated my packing nearly three weeks early.
Packing, surely, is cathartic. Freeing my physical space of the clutter and disorganization allows me to decide what I will carry with me and what I will leave behind. Inanimate objects grant me a control I do not possess with the thoughts and memories that have seared a home in my mind.
Wadding through the confusing swamp of change that has overtaken my mind, I wonder what I will take with me when I go: the hours spent lesson planning, the smiles of my students, decorating Mother’s day cards or the choir of F-16s and bus rides through checkpoints, Israeli soldiers with guns cocked in hand. Is there room in my mind for the joy I felt watching the sun sink behind Mount Gerizim and the anger I felt witnessing the late night funeral processions for bodies returned to families years after death? Can I roll up the memories of medics shot at during non-violent protests, the pictures of blood flowing through the streets of Jenin and squeeze them beside my favorite sweater in my backpack? Or should I chose to leave them behind for the person who comes to replace me, like the maroon peacoat I’ve slid under my bed?
I sit in my windowsill and watch the city I have come to call home sink into the dark hues of evening, a cigarette burning quickly between my fingers, contemplating my return to Canada. I wonder how easy it will be to remove myself from the violent atmosphere that has crept into my heart, demanding, with all its might to be recognized and understood. Will I unpack it earnestly with each kufiya I gift to family members, each photograph I show to uninterested eyes? Will it remain stuffed away in my backpack, to be unpacked once I am away from home again, away from the eyes of those who do not also swim in its haunting undercurrent? Or will it nestle into my chest and create a silent home for itself, remaining a distant memory I keep shelved for my own comfort?